There is a shortage of Bloggers that can make you laugh, and think meaningfully about life.
I am no help to that situation. (But I can possibly make you chuckle, so stick around.)
In an exclusive interview earlier this week, The Bald Eagle, long standing symbol of America, broke his silence on 'Larry King LIVE'. The following is a transcript of that monumental and revealing interview.
Larry King:
He was adopted as a symbol for America by the Continental Congress in 1782. A majestic creature that has fought back from near extinction since the 1800's. He has never spoken out about his role in representing our great country, but tonight he has decided to grant us a special interview! Please welcome to the program, The Bald Eagle.
Bald Eagle:
It's great to be here Larry, but please... call me Phil.
Larry King:
I'm sorry... it's Phil?
Bald Eagle (Phil):
Yeah, Phil. As in short for Philip? C'mon Larry, let's get a little focus, o.k.?
Larry King:
My apologies, Phil. Now let's get down to brass tacks. You clearly have something to say to America and we offer you that opportunity tonight.
Phil:
Yes, well Larry, as you know, America has seen me as the symbol for freedom, justice, yada, yada. I appreciate the attention, really I do. I mean, if you only knew what kind of tail I've been pulling in since! (Phil raises his right wing and leans forward to Larry for a high five. Seeming a bit startled, Larry reflexively returns it.) Anyways, the problem I have is that I'm looking around since 9/11 and this whole Iraq mess and all these conservative groups and blogs have pictures of me plastered ALL OVER the place. I'm talking real crappy, airbrushed mall kiosk crap. Like the one with a tear in my eye with the Twin Towers smoldering behind me, or the one with my wings over a crying fireman's shoulders or some variation where it's a cop or whatever. Oh! And look over here we have me with the American flag tatooed on my face like I'm Mike Tyson and shit... I mean, Seriously? (sips cup of coffee.)
Larry King:
Well you are a beloved and well respected figure among all Americans...
Phil:
You kidding me? Look Larry... jesus! This is damn good coffee! French Roast?
Larry King:
Yes.. yes it is.
Phil:
Mmmm, Ironic. Where was I? Oh, yeah.. before you guys came along, there was about a half mil of us flying around, eating salmon... chilling out. Then all of a sudden, we got these European settlers eating all our fish and shooting us like retarded yokels. Also, while your ilk started settling in, our natural habitats got ALL kinds of fucked up and now suddenly I gotta fight to exist?
Larry King:
Well, in all fairness Phil, we did recognize this and passed The Bald Eagle Act in 1940 to help protect you...
Phil:
Yeah, at the same time you guys were spraying DDT all over the place. Nothing like eatin mice who were already sickly with that shit when THEY ate it off the plants. Thanks SO much for that one. You didn't figure that one out until the late 60's.
Larry King:
You are referring of course, to when you were placed on the Endagered Species list.
Phil:
Exactly. Shit, you think I would even BE HERE on your lovely show if I wasn't finally taken off that list last month? Bygones though, "I can be bitter or I can be Phil." I adopted that as my 'Life Motto.' But like I was saying before Larry. You know... I'm seeing all this use of me as a blanket symbol for all this crap I don't support. I'm not for the war, man! I got nothing against Mexicans..
Larry King:
Are you saying, here and now Phil... that you indeed are not a Conservative?
Phil:
Wow, Larry. I thought you were known for softballs. (Laughs.) O.k. well... yes. Yes Larry.. I am indeed a Liberal. God, I hate labels but.. well.. there it is, there you go.
Larry King:
Remarkable.
Phil:
Not really. I mean, Sure.. look. I think Stem cell research is the next logical scientific breakthrough for you flightless goofballs, I got no problem with gay marriage... you say tomato, I say salmon.. but theres this retarded resistance to moving forward in America by Republicans, and for what? Just cause you don't want to piss off the Evangelical base that you feel keeps you in office? A couple of lobbyists give you a little hush hush cash to keep coal burning instead of figuring out a way to keep from farting all that CO2 in the air? I'm not down with that way of thinking.
Larry King:
I see. Well, in anticipation of your announcement tonight, it seems the Republicans are denouncing your allegiance to the Left wing.. pardon the pun...
Phil:
Not a problem.
Larry King:
Anyway, this statement was released by the GOP: "The Bald Eagle, once a symbol of this great nation has sadly chosen to criticize the Republican base. It is a meek attempt to dishearten American morale and we are moving into immediate action to develop a bill to introduce a new symbol of America by possibly adopting the Turkey as our new representation of America."
Phil:
Nice.
Larry King:
Well, it seems like they are going back to Benjamin Franklin's original suggestion years ago to make the Turkey the symbol. People forget that Franklin was against you as a choice from the get go, calling you a bird of "Bad moral character, who does not set his living honestly." He also called you a "rank coward" and "lazy."
Phil:
Please. Franklin can kiss this. (Points wing at tail feather.) That S.O.B. was a nasty fat ass back before Trans fat existed.... and he calls me lazy? Look, I could care less what they do. If they wanna 86 me, fine. I'm not too happy about the way they got me posed on the flag anyway. An olive branch and a couple of arrows? I mean c'mon... look at Mexico. Sitting on a cactus while SIMULTANEOUSLY trying to eat a LIVE rattlesnake. Now that's getting it right. You can't get more bad ass than that!
Larry King:
You know, that representation comes from an Aztec legend...
(Phil suddenly lunges forward flying and screeching)
Larry King:
JESUS H. CHRIST! (Dives under desk)
(Phil returns back to his seat swallowing a mouse.)
Phil:
Sorry about that, Larry. The muffins in the green room really aren't my thing. Saw me some lunch and I went for it. How old is this studio anyway? Mice, Larry? Tsk, tsk...
Larry King:
I think I just crapped my pants.
Phil:
Well if you aren't wearing depends at your age now, that's your own fault buster.
Larry King:
Well we have a surprise guest LIVE via Satellite from Virginia! Looks like The Turkey would like to have a word with you.
Phil:
(Rolls eyes) Oh, great.
Turkey:
(Does nothing but gobbles agressively while Phil talks over him.)
Phil:
Yeah? Yeah? So what.. I never asked for this you jealous.. really? My mother, oh that's original. You can have it dude, I mean listen to you.. yeah.. go on. Floors yours! You just keep on gobbling, flapping through you're beard..
(The turkey pecks his clip microphone off his chest and trots off screen angrily)
Larry King:
Wow. No love lost there. Well we are out of time, but I do have one last question. One that I have always wanted to ask you. Former Attorney General, John Ashcroft wrote and performed a song about you entitled "Let The Eagle Soar." Did you feel honored by that?
Phil:
You kidding? That guy wiped his ass with the constitution and shit on Civil Liberties and I should be honored by a song he wrote about me? It's kinda like if Hitler sang 'Siman Tov.'
(Larry King just stares at him.)
Phil:
It's a Jewish song. It means "Good Tidings."
Larry King:
(To the camera) I'm Larry King, thanks for tuning in. Next week, Joe Camel will be live in the studio to confirm whether the rumors about him being homosexual are true. Have a great night!
