The John Blog: My Name Was Jonah.

The John Blog: My Name Was Jonah. (Or: How I duped Jon Favreau and Michael Ian Black)

EXCLUSIVE! The Bald Eagle Speaks!

In an exclusive interview earlier this week, The Bald
Eagle, long standing symbol of America, broke his silence on 'Larry King LIVE'. The following is a transcript of that monumental and revealing interview.

Larry King:

He was adopted as a symbol for America by the Continental Congress in 1782. A majestic creature that has fought back from near extinction since the 1800's. He has never spoken out about his role in representing our great country, but tonight he has decided to grant us a special interview! Please welcome to the program, The Bald Eagle.

Bald Eagle:

It's great to be here Larry, but please... call me Phil.

Larry King:

I'm sorry... it's Phil?

Bald Eagle (Phil):

Yeah, Phil. As in short for Philip? C'mon Larry, let's get a little focus, o.k.?

Larry King:

My apologies, Phil. Now let's get down to brass tacks. You clearly have something to say to America and we offer you that opportunity tonight.

Phil:

Yes, well Larry, as you know, America has seen me as the symbol for freedom, justice, yada, yada. I appreciate the attention, really I do. I mean, if you only knew what kind of tail I've been pulling in since! (Phil raises his right wing and leans forward to Larry for a high five. Seeming a bit startled, Larry reflexively returns it.) Anyways, the problem I have is that I'm looking around since 9/11 and this whole Iraq mess and all these conservative groups and blogs have pictures of me plastered ALL OVER the place. I'm talking real crappy, airbrushed mall kiosk crap. Like the one with a tear in my eye with the Twin Towers smoldering behind me, or the one with my wings over a crying fireman's shoulders or some variation where it's a cop or whatever. Oh! And look over here we have me with the American flag tatooed on my face like I'm Mike Tyson and shit... I mean, Seriously? (sips cup of coffee.)

Larry King:

Well you are a beloved and well respected figure among all Americans...

Phil:

You kidding me? Look Larry... jesus! This is damn good coffee! French Roast?

Larry King:

Yes.. yes it is.

Phil:

Mmmm, Ironic. Where was I? Oh, yeah.. before you guys came along, there was about a half mil of us flying around, eating salmon... chilling out. Then all of a sudden, we got these European settlers eating all our fish and shooting us like retarded yokels. Also, while your ilk started settling in, our natural habitats got ALL kinds of fucked up and now suddenly I gotta fight to exist?

Larry King:

Well, in all fairness Phil, we did recognize this and passed The Bald Eagle Act in 1940 to help protect you...

Phil:

Yeah, at the same time you guys were spraying DDT all over the place. Nothing like eatin mice who were already sickly with that shit when THEY ate it off the plants. Thanks SO much for that one. You didn't figure that one out until the late 60's.

Larry King:

You are referring of course, to when you were placed on the Endagered Species list.

Phil:

Exactly. Shit, you think I would even BE HERE on your lovely show if I wasn't finally taken off that list last month? Bygones though, "I can be bitter or I can be Phil." I adopted that as my 'Life Motto.' But like I was saying before Larry. You know... I'm seeing all this use of me as a blanket symbol for all this crap I don't support. I'm not for the war, man! I got nothing against Mexicans..

Larry King:

Are you saying, here and now Phil... that you indeed are not a Conservative?

Phil:

Wow, Larry. I thought you were known for softballs. (Laughs.) O.k. well... yes. Yes Larry.. I am indeed a Liberal. God, I hate labels but.. well.. there it is, there you go.

Larry King:

Remarkable.

Phil:

Not really. I mean, Sure.. look. I think Stem cell research is the next logical scientific breakthrough for you flightless goofballs, I got no problem with gay marriage... you say tomato, I say salmon.. but theres this retarded resistance to moving forward in America by Republicans, and for what? Just cause you don't want to piss off the Evangelical base that you feel keeps you in office? A couple of lobbyists give you a little hush hush cash to keep coal burning instead of figuring out a way to keep from farting all that CO2 in the air? I'm not down with that way of thinking.

Larry King:

I see. Well, in anticipation of your announcement tonight, it seems the Republicans are denouncing your allegiance to the Left wing.. pardon the pun...

Phil:

Not a problem.

Larry King:

Anyway, this statement was released by the GOP: "The Bald Eagle, once a symbol of this great nation has sadly chosen to criticize the Republican base. It is a meek attempt to dishearten American morale and we are moving into immediate action to develop a bill to introduce a new symbol of America by possibly adopting the Turkey as our new representation of America."

Phil:

Nice.

Larry King:

Well, it seems like they are going back to Benjamin Franklin's original suggestion years ago to make the Turkey the symbol. People forget that Franklin was against you as a choice from the get go, calling you a bird of "Bad moral character, who does not set his living honestly." He also called you a "rank coward" and "lazy."

Phil:

Please. Franklin can kiss this. (Points wing at tail feather.) That S.O.B. was a nasty fat ass back before Trans fat existed.... and he calls me lazy? Look, I could care less what they do. If they wanna 86 me, fine. I'm not too happy about the way they got me posed on the flag anyway. An olive branch and a couple of arrows? I mean c'mon... look at Mexico. Sitting on a cactus while SIMULTANEOUSLY trying to eat a LIVE rattlesnake. Now that's getting it right. You can't get more bad ass than that!

Larry King:

You know, that representation comes from an Aztec legend...

(Phil suddenly lunges forward flying and screeching)

Larry King:

JESUS H. CHRIST! (Dives under desk)

(Phil returns back to his seat swallowing a mouse.)

Phil:

Sorry about that, Larry. The muffins in the green room really aren't my thing. Saw me some lunch and I went for it. How old is this studio anyway? Mice, Larry? Tsk, tsk...

Larry King:

I think I just crapped my pants.

Phil:

Well if you aren't wearing depends at your age now, that's your own fault buster.

Larry King:

Well we have a surprise guest LIVE via Satellite from Virginia! Looks like The Turkey would like to have a word with you.

Phil:

(Rolls eyes) Oh, great.

Turkey:

(Does nothing but gobbles agressively while Phil talks over him.)

Phil:

Yeah? Yeah? So what.. I never asked for this you jealous.. really? My mother, oh that's original. You can have it dude, I mean listen to you.. yeah.. go on. Floors yours! You just keep on gobbling, flapping through you're beard..

(The turkey pecks his clip microphone off his chest and trots off screen angrily)

Larry King:

Wow. No love lost there. Well we are out of time, but I do have one last question. One that I have always wanted to ask you. Former Attorney General, John Ashcroft wrote and performed a song about you entitled "Let The Eagle Soar." Did you feel honored by that?

Phil:

You kidding? That guy wiped his ass with the constitution and shit on Civil Liberties and I should be honored by a song he wrote about me? It's kinda like if Hitler sang 'Siman Tov.'

(Larry King just stares at him.)

Phil:

It's a Jewish song. It means "Good Tidings."

Larry King:

(To the camera) I'm Larry King, thanks for tuning in. Next week, Joe Camel will be live in the studio to confirm whether the rumors about him being homosexual are true. Have a great night!

..

Help me Obie Wan, You're my only hope...to get my dignity back.

Oh man this is PRICELESS.

There was a story in the New York Post yesterday, about Michael Jackson's kids and their life at Neverland Ranch. I was about as interested in it as Amy Winehouse is in personal hygiene, but I overheard a co-worker (who read it) talking about something sweet he did for his kids last Christmas. I did a spit take so long and hard of my coffee that I had to refill, put the correct amount of sugar and cream, and take a sip, just so I can spit it out again. I pulled the article up and scrolled down until I found it:

Last Christmas Eve, Jacko and his dermatologist, Dr. Arnold Klein, -- the suspected father of the two oldest children -- arranged for Carrie Fisher to surprise the kids by reprising her role as Princess Leia in "Star Wars" at their rental mansion in Holmby Hills, Calif.

"Michael brought the kids down in their pajamas and said, 'This is Princess Leia,' " said family friend Stephen Price. "They were so excited! She did her famous speech for them -- the 'Help me, Obi-Wan' speech"

Somebody pinch me and then slap me across the face.

If I was a 14 year old girl, this is the part where I yell "Shut up!" and punch my BFF on the arm because I don't believe any of this actually happened.

I already have it pictured in my mind...

*Outside of Neverland Ranch Gates. Carrie Fisher is pacing back and forth finishing her 12th consecutive cigarette, muttering to herself.*

Carrie:

No way, no fucking way. Don't do it Carrie. Don't. You got a new book coming out, the one woman show thing is coming up. You don't need this. It's not worth it.

*Intercom*

Princess Le... I mean, Carrie, is that you?

Carrie:

Michael! Hello!... It's Carrie, heh... just Carrie.

*Intercom*

I was watching you on the security camera for the last half hour. I didn't want to disturb you, I thought you were getting into character. Then, I was alarmed, because I thought you were on fire...

Carrie:

No Michael, just smoking. Filthy habit, I know... Listen, I don't know if I can go through with this. I mean, It's a sweet gesture for your kids and all, but...

Michael:

I'll add another zero on that check I already sent you.

Carrie:

*Reflexively tries to scale the gates* Well, LET'S do this man!

*A buzz sound and the gates open - Carrie hops down, sighs, and then walks through, shoulders slumped. A few minutes later she is inside a Japanese themed media room waiting when she is startled by the appearance of an elegantly dressed, pale 12 year old girl in silk pajamas. It takes Carrie a moment to realize it is Michael Jackson himself.*

Carrie:

Michael, Hi!

Michael:

Hi Carrie, I'm so happy you came on such short notice! The kids have been watching Star Wars a lot lately. They loved Jar Jar Binks so much, but I couldn't get that guy who played him to come. The closest I could find was this Old Kentucky vaudevillian to come over and do a Jolsen act, but it just confused them.

Carrie:

That's... strange. So, they come down, I do a couple of lines from the movie... take a few pictures, and that's it right?

Michael:

Right! Now if you come this way, I'll show you where you get dressed...

Carrie:

I'm sorry, "dressed?"

Michael:

Oh yes. I got an original replica of the robe you wore. I even got that funny little man, Verne Troyer to move around in an R2D2 so we can make the scene more realistic.

*He motions to a corner where Verne Troyer is sitting halfway in an R2D2 costume, Visibly drunk with what looks like a little vomit on his chin.*

Carrie:

Oh, Michael I don't know...

Michael:

Carrie, If you're worried about your dignity, I understand.

Carrie:

You? Uh, REALLY?

Michael:

Yes. And to you I make a solemn pledge. As long as I live, NO ONE will ever find out about this.

*About an hour later, Carrie exits the Neverland Ranch gates, wearing a similar costume to what she wore in EPISODE IV. She is undoing some half assed "Honey Buns" type hairdo and clearly annoyed until SHE SEES IT: There is a Monster truck with the bed half filled with Cartons of Marlboro Light 100's and the other half bundles of cash. In the driver's seat is a shirtless Colin Farrell, smiling gamely.*

Carrie:

Jesus, he really DELIVERED!

*A smile spreads across her face and she strolls to the truck, whistling "Jingle Bells."

(Read the full NYP Article HERE)